Job Application

Aspiring Matriarch

Mission statement: The line life offers is bent. For those who want it, I gift you a safe turn off and a pitstop when needed. I see you the next generation, and I want to do something other than complain about how ill informed, if enthusiastic, you are.

I boast the following qualifications:

1. My love is nonjudgmental. Do not discount this. It is nearly impossible to come by. No longer available in stores, and no easy payments on offer. As long as you don’t kill anyone or anything unless it’s in self defense and are nice to me and my dogs. Other than that, everything goes. 

2. I don’t mind if you mess up, especially if you take a risk. I’ll show you how fun it can be. Every mistake is an opportunity to learn, to laugh, and then fold it into material I can incorporate here at a later date. 

3. I have a fully stocked liquor cabinet and an extra bedroom for those times when even my love is not enough.

4. I am not easily upset. As a rule, I try not to cry or rage about anything for longer than a TikTok takes. Then I make a joke and ease the tension. Didn’t I send you a meme of rowers in dinosaur customes making their way down the Charles River? You’re welcome.

5. I want you to succeed. Not what I think of as success, but what you do. I believe in you even when you don’t. I have been watching and learning and loving who you want yourself to become since you were born. I know how amazing, resilient and kind you are and I’m listening to your voices rise into gorgeous souls. 

6. I make decent macaroons. I mean the good, fancy kind. Not the ones that come in a jar. 

7. I have hard wired professional friends in my arsenal, loving mentors, with varying and valuable life experience to impart. They are many degrees of weird and wonderful. Enjoy!

8. Above all, I have emotional stamina, motivation and time to be an unabashed cheerleader. I also don’t have the call back follow through so I won’t really bother you that often. 

Compensation Package.

1. Let me know you’re okay and what’s going on in your life. I need the action the same way I need air, and I’m older now. Otherwise the world around me is crushing. Right, I know, I’m applying for a job. Not services.

2. Do not sit in misery. Life is too long to waste on the teat of self loathing. Come to me when you need help. The times I feel most useful and content is when I’m serving you. Use me. Within limits, of course.

3. Forgive easily. Me especially. I will mess things up for you. I will send my good vibes to you the week before finals and then forget to ask you how you did. I might not remember your friends’ names or their pronouns, but I will remember the stories you tell me about them, and why they’re important to you.

4. I expect hugs. Full throated doubled armed embraces. Big ones. Not pats either. It’s the difference between frozen and freshly squeezed. 

5. Call me for the good stuff too. Basking in your glory is almost as good as wallowing in your misery. Plus, don’t forget, I’m always ready for a nice cup of tea, or coffee, or an IPA.

Work Experience

• Devoted daughter. Beginning of time - present. 

Though I lost this job way too early — 2001; 2015 respectively — I was great at it. I liked to think of myself as an Elmer’s glue tub of paste — more of a mess than an adhesive, but reliable when it’s the only thing on hand.

• Devoted sister. Beginning of time - present. 

This relationship is only getting better. She taught me how to read; I took care of our mother and host Thanksgiving annually, though she has to write out the list, and follow through or we’d be choking on something unThanksgiving like that I pull out of the refrigerator last minute. 

• Adoring wife. 1995 - present, give or take.

I will call your attention back to the starting date on this one. That’s a long time to love someone, and even when we find ourselves on shaky ground, we reach out for each other in our sleep. We are each other’s home. 

• High order mama bear. 

What I am lacking in organization and sticktoitiveness, I make up for with my sense of adventure, steady adoration and ability to hibernate. Plus love. I have that in what might be conceived as overwhelming abundance.

• Kind friend. 

I know I’ve fallen short on this a few times, but I have my loyal following for which I’m grateful. And, as much as I enjoy a good bitch, I can also cut one that threatens my own. Then never speak of it again. 

Weaknesses:

1. I’m not particularly consistent. And by that I mean that sometimes what’s needed I can’t provide. A sober ride is iffy. A middle of the night phone call, might go unanswered. And by middle of the night, I mean 10 o’clock. The heart wants what the heart wants but sometimes a girl gets tired. Anyhow try again at 2:30 when I’ll likely be up, alternately doom scrolling and staring at the ceiling.

2. I won’t take you shopping, but I am proficient in Venmo for the right occasion.

3. I have a lot of wisdom. And by wisdom I mean thoughts I’ve been ruminating on, lessons I’ve learned. And I will tell you every single one of them. Because you almost asked.

4. I’m super sensitive. But I mitigate it by being aware of it. I hope?

Benefits:

1. A lot of food. And I mean A LOT. Big old Uncle likes to overfeed people. He uses the recipes we’ve cobbled together from our ancestors and the Joy of Cooking. We come as a team and I am his cheery enabler.

2. Loving dogs. If you don’t understand the healing magic of soft fur and a wet muzzle, you should really try. 

3. An open mind, faith in you, and a thoughtful ear. If this isn’t precious in this world, I don’t know what is.

So what do you say, everyone? Sons, nephews and nieces? I know you run in age from a baby not yet on his feet to a man who pays his own bills. I have something for every age. You game? There are no other people on this planet who would have me. Who am I kidding, you probably won’t even read this application, but it is sincere. 

You’ll want your elders, you know, even if it feels like we messed this whole thing up. We can compose an entire sentence, and write in cursive. Plus, we have old school common sense knowledge and own the bulk property in the United States along with the wealth.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

***Doo ***Doo ***Doo

As we are coming quickly to the end of 2023. I want to thank all of you for being a part of my year. You are the very best thing.

I wish you a holiday full of happiness and light, a Christmas full of joy, and a New Year filled with hope.

Until we meet again!