Questions for My College Freshman

Read by the Author Above!!!

His dorm room

When I see you now, can I hug you? Can I jump up and down screaming with relieved joy at the sight of your open and well loved face? It was in the way! Fine, I’ll back up. You get a haircut when you’re ready.

So what can I ask?

• Grades are forbidden.

• Drugs are off the table. Are you sure I don’t want to know?

• Friends? You say you have enough? I don’t think I believe you, but great!

• Food is fine if I don’t harp, I understand, or explain nutritional labels yet again. But the difference between net carbs and —

• Go ahead, put the suit on the credit card I gave you for emergencies. Would it be so hard to send me a picture?

• How often are you doing your laundry? Please, please, please change your sheets. I knew guys in college whose beds — TMI? Just change your sheets.

• Are you wearing your retainer and do you brush your teeth? I paid a lot for those things.

Can I meet your friends if I promise not to tell them about that time in third grade when you thought you needed the whole bottle of axe spray if you wanted the scent to last all day and they threw you off the bus? No. I won’t do that.

Can you FaceTime me your room? I want to check on the Packer’s bobbleheads? Are they still standing guard for you while you sleep?

How are your grades? I know it’s taken me a long time to ask. More importantly. Are you taking the risks you should now when you have little to lose. Are you trying everything? I mean staying away from it. I mean going for it, but only for a good story, not for any lasting harm. Above all though, stay safe. Stay safe. Stay safe. But have fun.

Is it true that this fraternity you’re pledging makes you study as well? I don’t care if it’s coed and Ronald Reagan was in it. That feels like something they advise you to tell your parents.

Are you trying to figure out who you are? Sampling here and there while I spend a mortgage worth to house, clothe and worry over you. Do that now, not a gaggle of kids and a few lives later.

Do you still need someone to remind you to change your contact lenses? Need someone to drive you around? Laugh with you? Buy you ice cream on the corner just because? I mean, do you miss me too? In a mostly healthy way. No, no. Of course not.

I’m just saying, I have time now. I would do it if you wanted me to. I’d wake you up in the morning and make sure you took your cleats for practice. I know I had that job for a long time and I didn’t always make breakfast and often I forgot to bring the snacks to practice, even though I’d signed up on that dreaded sheet. But what I neglected was never from lack of wanting or loving.

In fact, I’ve learned so much from you, I think I’m ready to be a parent. You in the market?

Yes, it was a lovely visit. See you Thanksgiving. Honey, tie your shoes!