The Game of Blame: An Ultimate User's Guide
READ BY THE AUTHOR BELOW
Ages:
16 + As we begin gathering our stockpile of grievances at birth, for the sake of gameplay and aggravated agita, we’ll zero you out at 20 years old.
Players:
Anywhere from 1-7 billion + and a banker.
You can act as your own banker. This doesn’t give you blanket immunity, however. Blame is a game for the whole family!
Pieces:
Not included, but inevitable. Justified resentments, near successes, current shortcomings, and future assumptions of guilt.
Object:
The winner has to achieve and maintain their stellar positioning at the top of the pile of the falsely righteous. Billions have played; only the saints and the long lived dead, to whom most things are forgiven and forgotten eventually, have won. Unless they’re swept up in a reckoning (see below).
Gameplay:
Grudges, betrayal, perceived and outright wrongs are dealt at the beginning of each round and vary widely and depend on age, background, opportunity and overall asshole quotient. When the waitress spits in my food because you demand crushed ice, or no gorgonzola, it will be your fault I have died of whichever new plague is coming down the pike.
Periodically, in the middle of a hand, another challenge, one you won’t see coming, will blindside you. Like an accident, or a disease that slipped past the scans and the censors. This is not your fault either. You are a good person and did everything correctly. This is not your fault! Repeat until believed. This is not your fault. Or you get bored. Who knows? It might even be true.
Dole out the accusations liberally. Do not hold back. Or forget in the heat of battle, when your opponent offers you a smile or could use a helping hand. There will be commercials, families, careers, pee and ice cream breaks throughout. We’re not ad free or sure footed. This isn’t soccer.
Move traumatized components in any direction on the board of bullshit until they merge and the banker has set up their vault. When you don’t get the couch at the furniture store you wanted, and wind up with a double wide with cup holders instead, it wasn’t because you never mentioned you hated it, or even tried pointing out the one you liked in plush cloth that wasn’t on clearance.
At some point all these components will become indistinguishable and will form into a hardened ball of blame. The banker will not offer you a toaster. No one has offered you anything to profit on your earnings for decades and you haven’t even noticed. Don’t blame me.
Connect and compound this blame in order to grow it. The more you concentrate on your opponent’s shortcomings, the less strategy applies to any you might encounter in yourself. At first anyway. It does get ridiculous eventually. Shove it into a bag and make someone else throw it out. The goal here is an aggrieved, angry stasis.
Take any event and make it a mountain. “GETTING THE MAIL SHOULDN’T BE A TWO PERSON JOB!” Make sure you hike to the very top of that mountain, no matter how out of shape you are. Be prepared to die up there. Or jump off. Either way, carry a big stick.
If individuals don’t suffice, find a group to blame. The playing field is wide open. The government is a sure bet, but also try a marching band, or a group of do gooders. Resist the urge to look for solutions. That’s not this game.
The reckoning. This happens when something previously considered blameless has to justify itself in the renewed light of today. Mostly, this doesn’t work out for the subject but can rack up exponential blame board points. As it should. See, Michael Jackson, Woody Allen and various other twentieth century rock stars. More recent players will have to contend with the public snapchat stories, instagram reels, TikToks and twitch somethings. As they tell me, I really hate that for them.
Recruit others into your blame cycle. This is a pyramid scheme, and we need to keep it going. Manipulate—naturally, or otherwise. Conscript a press corps and a government when you can—I know, I know, too soon.
Example of gameplay:
This morning you bring your hot cup of coffee to the couch and plop down with an airy whoosh. You can’t find the remote to keep up with the awful dooms, or news as it was once known. Immediately turn to your son who never puts anything back, but then remember he hasn’t been home in over a month. Blame the husband, who is a favorite fallback, but he rarely watches television, and when he does, prefers to hand you the remote so you don’t blame him for being a control freak. Good luck with that, buddy. Therefore, your conclusion has to be that the dogs ate it and gently hid it behind the coffee pot where you later find it.
Tips and Strategies for Next Level Gaming:
Blame is a construct made behind a story. Tell your version and change the subject before they notice. Anyone see the remote?
Make sure you are worse than, or better than them. Their pain isn’t as bad as yours, or their cushy origin story makes them unable to experience any “real” disappointment, or it is too hot to look directly into. This is a highly effective way to avoid responsibility down a pointless rabbit hole. Make way or lend a hand. Not in this game, of course, but in your finer moments.
The banker isn’t necessarily your friend, but don’t turn them into an enemy. Choose who holds your narrative coffers carefully. They should be able to organize, catalog, and cross index every slight in vivid detail. This takes generations to execute properly.
Finally, break the blame into bite-sized parts for those involved. It’s easier to eat one fork full at a time than to smash it with a fist and shove your face into it.
Warning:
The goal of the most ardent players is to see the story from all angles and manipulate you into taking their ride. Hold steady if you can. There’s enough blame to go around.
Winning:
As there is rarely a winner in the blame, shame, or laundry game, there are several alternative ways to hold onto small victories. It varies, player to player. Some think war is the culmination, inner or otherwise. That’s for the long game, and we, the collective, are a short sighted people. Still, a reckoning of consciousness, coupled with a good joke and a big hug can go a long way.
One can transcend and learn to enjoy the defeat even where absolute blame is due. The win is to step away from the game, stop playing finally. Surrender offers the only lasting championship. There will be a lot of connection and ground to recover when you do declare victory, but you’ve been through enough. You’ll be ready.
Thanks for playing! Be sure not to miss our companion games, “Shame and Complain,” and, coming this November to a store near you, “Feigned Righteousness!”
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I LOVE this!